Master Cleanse Day 1
I decided to try this.
The fact is people today lead toxic lifestyles. The food we eat is loaded with chemicals, the air we breathe is polluted, and our daily lives are riddled with so much stress, and anxiety that our bodies just deal with it.
We are slowly poisoning ourselves. Our colon, liver, kidneys, gall bladder, and every other organ in our body are at a breaking point. Failing to adopt a healthier lifestyle could rob you of years off your life. It could also mean living a life of chronic pain, fatigue, obesity, and a plethora of other negative health problems that tend to manifest in people who lead a toxic lifestyle.
Hendersonville and Addiction. Lend me your ear..
This is not easy for me to write but I hope to God someone can appreciate what I’m about to say.
This blog is mostly going to focus on drug use in Hendersonville, where I’m from, but I hope it can reach you wherever you are if you’re reading this.
So most of you in Hendersonville know me, I’d think mostly because of Facebook, but some of you know me from school, downtown, Asheville, events, etc. I come off pretty normal I’d guess. No reason to think I’d have any sort of real issue considering I worked two full time jobs, had a car, apartments/houses, etc. Maybe only because of the company I chose to keep at certain times would you think I had any sort of drug problem.
I have herniated and bulging discs in my lower back. They are extremely painful and cause me to miss out on a lot of things I enjoy doing. It’s hard for me to get up and down stairs, I can’t sit for too long, I can’t stand for too long, I can’t walk for too long. I can’t sleep. I can’t really do anything.
Here is the proof if you need it. You’ll see the top discs have sort of a white color, and the bottom ones are completely black where my discs have completely deteriorated over the years due to a car accident.
That being said, when I got prescribed pain killers after a re-injuring it, I was in heaven. I could do everything I wanted. I could sleep, I could walk, I could stand, I could sit, I could get up and down stairs. And what’s this bonus feeling? Happiness..?
I was dealing with so many emotional issues at the time. I was dealing with family problems, I was dealing with a rape, I was dealing with home issues, I was dealing with my boyfriend losing someone he loved very much, I was dealing with a lot of very emotionally tiring issues. So no emotional pain, no physical pain, these pills are the fix I was looking for.
I know most of you know my boyfriend of the time. I knew he had dealt with issues of addiction before but I didn’t know the extent of them. I knew that he was dealing with a lot of pain from the loss of his ex girlfriends life but I didn’t know the extent of it. I knew he had stress at home and personal life but I didn’t know the extent of it. I didn’t know that me taking them was going to relapse him. I didn’t know that as happy as we were for the first six months we were high that eventually he would resort to a quicker way to get high and that it would destroy us. I didn’t know that a year later I would rush home from work everyday to make sure the one person I loved more than anything was still breathing. I couldn’t of seen the days we ran out of money that we would lay in bed nearly in tears unable to move because of the pain. I didn’t see the stupid fights over the 2 extra milligrams he got on his half of the pill because he couldn’t split them evenly. I couldn’t have seen, three years down the road, 2,000 miles away from each other, the three calls I get a week from him in rehab wishing we had appreciated all the time we had together. How could I have known any of this?
So many times we tried to stop. We said we could do it together. We’d sit around in pain and misery with worst flu like symptoms you’ll ever have in your life. We’d make it through it. A week after, my back would start hurting and the guilt of having one eventually led to him getting one which led down the same path. What was wrong with us? We were slaves. At one point in time we had one of the greatest loves you could ever imagine, now where were we?
I remember one specific night I had a hard day and wanted to get numb as possible, so I swallowed three thirties (roxycodone) when I was used to taking one. I thought it’d be great, right? So happy. I started to overdose and lose consciousness. Every time I came out of it I begged my boyfriend not to take me to the hospital.. I told him I was okay, I told him it wasn’t a big deal just to keep me awake. I didn’t have health insurance. This would embarrass my mother. She’d never talk to me again. Just keep me awake. I knew I was dying. I didn’t care. Who cares?
I sat there with the person I was in love with, after he had lost his first love to an overdose, coming in and out of consciousness, as he cried like a child saying over and over again “Please, God, I can’t lose her too. Please, God. Please just help me help her.” I’d come to with him trying to carry me out of the house to get help and I’d kick him and tell him to stop because I was okay, even though I couldn’t breathe. Hearing him cry and talk to God that night has always haunted me, but I guess some higher power was listening because I woke up the next morning just in time to call someone for another pill.
I made up every excuse in the book why I wasn’t just as bad as him. “Well YOU snort them, well YOU shoot them, I just swallow them.” ”Well I work for mine, you just bum off me.” “Well III have back pain, you’re just trying to get high.”
Why did it matter? Why the hell was I any better? What the fuck was I trying to prove?
Eventually my love got put in jail because he stole as he was tired of me guilt tripping him about taking my money. I was left by myself and didn’t even realize how it was going to effect me. We eventually decided that he would be better going off into voluntary treatment for a year or so. Life is more important, he’s doing wonderful now.
About a week after he was put in jail, I lost my car, I lost both of my jobs, my home went into foreclosure. I became homeless. I lost everything. I lost everyone.
I quit after that, too. I found a way to only take them when the pain was intolerable. It works. I can control myself. I don’t wake up a slave to something and I won’t ever again. I’m happy to say that since August I can count on two hands the time I’ve needed them. Yes, I still live in pain, but I’d rather be in pain than be a drone.
So this is where I get to you, Hendersonville, ol’ love of mine.
I know about you guys, I know about most of you whether you know I do or not. I know a lot of you are hiding habits like I was. I’ve watched some of you blast 12 pills up your arm in minutes in front of your children. I’ve kept a lot of you awake while you were nodding off after taking entirely too many. I’ve watched you guys pop and chew up six $30 pills while complaining about the letter on them, only to go blast 4 more up your arm. I’ve seen your track marks. I know where you’re getting them from. I know where you’re getting your money without having a job. I know what terrible people you’re becoming.
I also know how helpless you feel. I know how sick you are when you don’t have something, I know it seems like the only way to feel happy, I know it seems like when you try to quit you’re ok for a minute, then the depression sinks in, and it’s back to where you were. I know you feel like there’s nothing else to do. I know you feel like there’s no point. I know it’s shoved in your face everywhere you go. I know it makes it easier to live day to day in town with more problems than opportunity. I get it. I was there. I know what you’re struggling with.
I want to tell you though, I was there, and now I’m here, and I feel amazing.
I don’t remember what that high feels like anymore, I don’t even care.
You can get clean. I put off coming to Austin, Texas for a year after I left Atlanta. I lost everything, I often wondered why, I know now. I truly believe something was trying to get me here. Some higher power, for some reason, wanted me to live. I get to be alive. The person I love is alive. I don’t have to wake up wanting something. I can spend my money on things I want. There’s REAL things that make me happy. I am the happiest person in the world, I swear. I am so happy. I can’t even tell you. There IS happiness on the other side of addiction. I’m enrolling at the University of Texas, I’m getting back into modeling, I enjoy taking my dog on walks, I enjoy the beautiful things in life that I missed before. I’m not afraid of people. I’ve battled depression my entire life. I’ve had traumatic things happen my entire life. I know what it feels like to cover that up but I am telling you right now, you can find happiness on your own, and I promise when you don’t have to steal and get high to feel good, you’ll realize what real happiness is. I’m free, guys. You can be too.
I want you guys to realize that there are options available for you. I never got into using needles but I realize the addiction is a little more intense when you start doing that as the person I was in love with chose that path. There are programs for people without insurance/money to be apart of. I highly highly recommend long term treatment. I know it seems like it’s hard to up and leave everything - but when you’re dead you’re up and leaving everything anyway. With a long term treatment program you work jobs for your stay there while taking classes etc. You have housing and you get at home visits every once in a while. You’re taken out of that Hendersonville environment that kills everyone. You really get a second chance at life. I recommend First at Blue Ridge in Black Mountain.
This blog is not easy for me to write or post because I have been in denial about my addiction for a long time. I thought that’s all I could ever have to be happy. I was ashamed of myself and my life.
I’ll tell you right now, I am not ashamed of myself. I am not ashamed of my life. This is part of who I am now. I saw the depths of hell and I hung out there for a while. I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have to find it in yourself to want the peace and happiness of a good life. You can have it, I promise. It took me a while to find it, and I’m still searching, but I can breathe easy knowing I’m doing the best I can. I don’t want to lose any of you and anyone who is battling this addiction has a special place in my heart because I know how rough it is and how easy it is to get into. IF any of you ever need to talk to me about anything, I swear I’m here, I swear I’ll listen. I might not always tell you what you want to hear but I’ll be there for you as much as I can. I promise you, there is always hope.
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”
Ayn Rand
This song/video always helps me when I feel weak. Haha. =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKsNixzmDYQ
